At Game's End
by fanfiction.net-is-for-losers
Summary: A comedy.
1. Prologue

**Foreword**

This fanfiction is going to be such a treat. That said, this isn't a story for everyone. So I'm going to tell you the premise and give you a warning, and you can decide for yourself if you should read this.

In this story, stuff happens.

Now for the warning.

This is a comedy.

Now then, let's get on with the show.

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><p><strong>The Dark and Foreboding Prologue (Look Out, It's Spooky!)<strong>

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><p>Dear Diary, today I died eleven times.<p>

Bowser kidnapped Princess Peach AGAIN! I know, big surprise right? That was sarcasm, diary. I'm telling you this because you are a book and is not so smart enough to get my jokes.

Anyway, the adventure to save her was really tough on me. It's a good thing Mario picked up all those 1-UP Mushrooms, otherwise I'd have been a goner.

The two of us had to travel all the way to Bowser's Castle to save her. Again. Now, normally that wouldn't be a big deal. As you know, we do this all the time. But this was the twelfth day IN A ROW that Peach got kidnapped! Maybe Bowser is going for a new kidnapping record?

Anyway, I had such a scare when we got home! So there we were, super tired, slogging up the steps to our porch, walking up to our little wooden frontdoor, and I turn the knob and the door is locked! So I reach for the house key, and I find a big hole in my pocket instead! Our key had fallen out of my pants somewhere on our adventure! And then out of nowhere it started to rain! We would have to backtrack through our whole adventure, in the rain, at night.

Sometimes it feels like the whole universe is out to get you.

But then Mario, he just casually walks up to our frontdoor, and he kicks that son of a birch down!

I called it a son of a birch because it's made of wood, diary. It was a joke.

I replaced a word with another word.

I just want to make sure the joke is clear, I want us to be on the same PAGE - also a joke because you are a book.

We were too tired to fix the door so we just kind of set it up against the doorway to make it look closed. We'll have to re-attach the hinges tomorrow. In retrospect it would have been smarter to just open a window and climb in.

Anyway, I'm really tired so I'm gonna hit the hay. I've never been so excited to sleep! And not even because I'm tired! Well, that too. But there's a bigger reason! A reason that makes this whole stupid day totally worth it! Mario was so tired when we got home, he just collapsed on my bed instead of climbing up to his! Do you know what this means?

I GET TO SLEEP IN THE TOP BUNK!

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><p>Luigi closed the book.<p>

Normally he would have spent at least twenty minutes writing bad poetry about flowers, but tonight he was simply too tired. The short entry he made would have to do.

Not wanting to wake his brother, Luigi tiredly tip-toed over to the bunkbed Mario shared with him. A soft smile formed under his mustache as he gazed upon the heavenly upper bunk.

Oh! To lie above the world like a snugbug blanketed by clouds so high in the sky, far above the sound of those creepy creaking floorboards that mimic someone walking through the house! To feel the soft, comfy plush of the Above Pillow snug against his face as the stuffing within crinkles beneath his ear, a sweet song of settling plumage that all lullabies should envy! To hear the creaks and groans of the bedframe whisper non-threateningly for once, holding his lean weight effortlessly aloft instead of threatening to buckle under the weight of his fat brother and land on whoever lies below. To be carried by that magnificent perch through the tinted glass of subconscious, to a far away land of dreamy dreams, and be free of this black night! Away from those suspicious, shifting shadows that litter the dark room and startle his paranoid mind (Was that a man standing by the window? No, it was a curtain.) But perhaps greatest of all was feeling like he had the cool bunk.

_"The top bunk is truly the bed of kings_." thought Luigi. "_And older brothers."_

Luigi began to climb the bedside ladder. The rain picked up and beat against the roof like rude yuletide deer, and Luigi looked to see if the noise had woken Mario.

And it was then Luigi noticed Mario was not there.

And then he was there.

And then he wasn't.

And then he was.

Luigi watched Mario's form flicker in and out of existence, like the self-confidence of an adult who still writes fanfiction.

Luigi leapt off the ladder, ran to a corner of the room and tucked into a fetal position as he tried not to cry.

It was a whole three minutes later before Luigi worked up the courage to approach Mario and see if his dear brother was alright. Mario's body was still blipping in and out of visibility, and was now transparent even at its most tangible. Luigi had to squint to see if his brother was still there, his outline getting harder and harder to distinguish against the dark.

"Mario?" whispered Luigi. "Bro?"

Luigi tapped Mario with his finger and the faint plump plumber exploded into tiny red specks that floated around the room like bloody dust nodes. The scent of a forest filled Luigi's nostrils. The smell of oak and grass and animal turds filled the air as the vanishing red spots that had once been his brother fell like snow. Luigi looked down and saw the little red dots fall onto his clothes. He felt the pieces of Mario land on the back of his neck and fall down his shirt. And then he heard a laugh. It was a squealing, high pitched laugh that stabbed Luigi's ears and scraped loudly against his mind like misused chalk. I told you this would be spooky.

Luigi ran screaming out of the bedroom, tore through the living room, knocked the door to the side, and disappeared into the night, all while somehow in the fetal position.

Later he would realize he'd wet himself.


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

**Which is Actually Chapter 2 Because the Prologue Stole the '1.' Slot**

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><p>Ordon Spring was a lovely place. The pitter patter of a small waterfall that tinkled into the spring was mixed with the singing of birds and the rustling of swaying leaves. The cool water that gathered in a shallow pool along with the soft breeze created by the landscape was able to keep the sacred fountain a refreshing place, even on the hottest of days. Fairies came there often and floated cheerily over the water, playing to and fro, hither and thither. They were small, firefly-like creatures with a pink glow which, mixed with the dichotomy of light and shadow formed by the angle of the sunlight and the swaying shadows of the branches, created an alternating dance of pink light and golden hues. This rainbow tango was reflected in the rippling water like an aquatic borealis. The beauty of the spring could only be matched by this eloquent description.<p>

Link was sleeping in the middle of the spring.

He woke with his lungs full of water. Link quickly sat up, choking and coughing as he spat and gasped for air.

He must have been sleepwalking again. It had been happening almost every night now, nightmares he couldn't remember, waking up outside his house, often drowning in the spring. Link stood up in the ankle deep water and shook himself off. Drops flew off of him and collided against a few fairies. If Link could understand their magical fairy language he would have heard them shout a few "Hey!"s, but that ability of his bloodline had been lost. He hadn't even known the ability existed until he learned about the legend of the Hero of Time, a legend widely known for its reputation as the greatest legend of all time.

Link realized he had shaken himself off like a dog, so he slapped himself hard in the face. It had been six months since the last time he turned into a dog, and even though he had been in human form since the end of his adventure with Midna, he had still not managed to break the habits he formed during that time. Smacking his face whenever he caught himself doing something dog-ish was his new way of trying to break his animal habits.

Judging by the angle of the sunlight, it was noon. He knew he would have to get properly dressed soon or a certain ranch girl would nag at him for sleeping in again. Link bent down and, without catching himself, stretched by going on all fours, placing his hands far out in front of him, and sticking his butt into the air. He kept that position for a second and then got back up. His head felt much clearer and his body felt much more limber, but he realized he had been stretching like a dog. He promptly smacked himself in the face. When he turned to leave he saw his friend Ilia standing by the exit staring at him.

The average looking woman's face had a look of worry, frustration and confusion. It was an expression Link was used to seeing.

"That was an...interesting stretch." she said.

Link looked down and rubbed the back of his neck. The girl had caught him doing doggy stuff before and, though she didn't know the reason behind his odd behavior, she always spoke up about how strange it was. Link knew she was just trying to help him become normal by making him more aware of his actions, but the bluntness she used still bothered him. Did Ilia have to resist the urge to sniff a person's butt every time she said hello? No, she didn't. But Link did have to resist that urge, and not giving into that temptation every day was a torture that Ilia couldn't even begin to imagine.

"I had to come looking for you, you know." Ilia said, stepping into the water and walking a slow circle around Link. "And I find you here, in a pair of soaking wet pajamas, stretching on the ground - the middle of Ordon Spring, actually - and slapping yourself in the face."

She paused.

"Well, do you know who can't stretch right now?"

Link slouched with fatigue, already knowing where Ilia was going with this.

"A certain horse can't stretch. Can you imagine how awful it would be to be tied up to a person's house, and left there all day until noon?"

All day didn't end at noon, but Link knew better than to argue.

"Not being able to run around and gallop..." continued Ilia, "If I saw a horse in a position like that, I'd make sure to give her owner a piece of my mind unless he went to his beautiful horse this instant and took her for a nice long ride."

Link just stood for a moment as he tried to think of something to say that would calm her down.

"Well?" she asked. "What are you waiting for? Hurry up and go!"

Link sighed and turned to leave. Ilia was always bothering him about taking better care of his horse. Link thought he treated that horse excellently. Ilia was just impossible to please when it came to animals.

"Once you've run her around my family's ranch be sure to stop by my father's house!" Ilia called after him. "He has some errands he'd like you to do."

With that, Link left the spring and began the short walk back home. He decided not to waste time so he rolled on the ground to get there (it was faster than walking). Somersaulting around had been a weird quirk of Link's even before the dog days. Link didn't know this, but it made a lot of people in Ordon Village think he was kind of a freak. A loveable helpful freak, but a freak.

After bumping his head on a rock and walking the rest of the way, he got back to his treehouse. Living in a tree on the outskirts of town did not help change Link's reputation as a weirdo, but the legendary Hero of Time had lived in a treehouse and Link wanted to honor his legacy. After changing into his adventuring clothes (a green tunic and funny hat that had been given to him by the local magic goat god) he untied his horse from the wooden post by his home.

When he had bought the horse from Ordon Ranch years ago was when it became time to finally give it a name (as naming them tended to get the ranch owner's daughter, Ilia, far too attached to a horse for it to be sold). Link had originally planned to name the horse Epona, but when the time came to name her he was feeling kind of immature and thought it would be funny to name her BUTTOCKS instead. The odd part was that everyone seemed to think BUTTOCKS was a lovely name. Link of course suspected that they were just being nice, but sometimes they seemed too genuine for him to believe that. It was almost as if their reactions to the name would have been exactly the same if he had named the horse Epona, or that they would have the exact same reactions to any name Link could have given the horse. Like the name of the horse was some kind of pointless variable, and even bothering to name it was a stupid waste of time.

But that would be silly. Ordonians just had weird taste in names.

Link saddled BUTTOCKS and rode toward the town gate. He could give her just as much exercise in Hyrule Field as he could at the ranch, and he had been itching to go adventuring the past few days. He loved to just ride around Hyrule Field, slaying monsters and exploring caverns and finding secrets. There wasn't anything he enjoyed quite as much as some good 'venturing.

He rode past Ordon Spring and made for the long, swaying wooden bridge that connected Ordon to the rest of the world. But he had to stop. Ilia was standing directly at the front of the bridge, blocking his way. She was holding a large bushel of various flowers in front of her chest.

"Hello Link," she started, "Have you talked to my father yet?"

Link sighed. This always happened when he wanted to go 'venturing. All of the people in town would need to have some menial chores done and he would have to be the one to do them. He would have to spend hours going around the town and talking to people and finding some arbitrary thing like a cradle or a lost chicken and it would be hours before he was able to go on a grand adventure. Link would have helped them all anyway, it just really bugged him that he absolutely had to spend half the day helping townspeople and doing boring things before he could start a thrilling fun-filled adventure.

"Since you'll be riding back to town now anyway, would you mind giving these to Colin?" Ilia asked as she held up the bushel of flowers. "He just loves beautiful flowers, and I just finished picking some since I have nothing else to do right now."

Link sighed and took the flowers, noting that the town chores weren't something Ilia felt obligated to help with. Link figured he might as well start now. He wanted to get at least some 'venturing had before the day was done, and these fetch quests could take a while.

Ilia picked a rose out of the bushel and, beckoning Link to bend down, placed the flower behind his ear. A thorn pricked the side of Link's head, but Ilia didn't notice.

"Wow Link! You look so pretty today!"

Link didn't think it was funny, which made Ilia think it was funnier.

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><p>In the barracks of Peach's castle was a little man with a mushroom shaped head, a member of a species referred to as toads.<p>

The toad named Toad lifted his pen and began tapping it thoughtfully against his chin. He was in the middle of writing the prologue to his Captian N: The Game Master fanfiction and had hit a bit of a writer's block. He had been trying to make the prologue as dark and spooky as possible, and he just couldn't be sure if it was good enough to call finished. His plan, after all, was to write an epic fanfiction, and epic stories always need foreboding prologues. It's a fact.

He had considered making fun of that fact by poking fun at how prologues always go that way, but then he decided that was a stupid idea (he was wrong though it was a great idea).

He began to turn his head around his room, glancing at everything but not really looking at anything. The walls were a light pink color just like the walls everywhere else in Peach's Castle. For a human the room would be small, but it was the regular size of a dwelling for a toad. He kept things sparse, his furniture consisting of a desk (shaped like a mushroom), a bed (shaped like a mushroom), a small television (shaped like a mushroom) and a lamp.

Toad tried to clear his mind and focus on the story. He had been feeling oddly lightheaded that whole night. The relaxing sound of the rain didn't help.

He decided to read over and edit his fanfiction one last time before putting it away.

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><p><strong>Game Over<br>**

**Prolog; The Begining Off The End **

Wonse up on a tim in the mushroom kingdum their was a toad. he had red spots on a whyt cap and wore really fashinable blue vests and white pear of pants. He was verry handsome and nice. His name was Load

Load got hom from work 1 day and disided to play his fayvorite video game Captain N: The Game Master: The Game. He was going to play as Princess Lana because she was the hotest one.

Load plugged in the consoul in and put in the cartridge it. it didnt work so he had two blow it a bunch of times until he dizzy. But then when he turned on the game in some thing stragne hapening? their was a giant worm whole that apaired from his tv scraen! a big gust of wind started two blow his room and he started being pulled in the tv-screen!?

Load grabbed on to chair and tried to hold. But he could feel the hole sucking on him and couldnt hold himself back any more he released!

Mean while Princess Lana was turning a round in bed. she was struggling to hold backa powerful force thet she cood not sea. she could feel it chokening her and tearing her a part from the in-side out. She had been having this night-mare for motnhs but ever time it felt so reel. Then shewoke up. She was breath hard and and sweated and verry scared. Then a portal in her room and Load fell out of it quik!

"Who are you she ask.

to be continude

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><p>"<em>It's perfect<em>." thought Toad.

Toad proudly set the crime against language upon his desk and leaned back with a smile. His brief self-satisfaction was interrupted by a loud banging on his door.

"Toad you daft dilly-dallier, open up!"

Toad left his seat and opened the door for Toadsworth. The old brownspotted toad was red in the face and gasping for air behind his thick mustache. He quickly waddled over to the chair in front of Toad's desk and sat himself down to catch his breath. After Toad brought him a cup of water he started yelling again.

"Where have you been?" he asked, wagging his walking cane haphazardly about. "You should have been at the princess's side long before now! And yet here you are, dickering about in your room as if everything in the world was grand-diddly-andy! Everything all nice and hunky-dory, hmm? Everything very congenial and to your liking, is that quite right? Nothing at all you need concern yourself with, no, not at all! The castle is in an uproar and the Kingdom will be in a panic come morning, but no, our good Toad is too busy to concern himself with all of that. Perish the thought that our Captain of the Mushroom Guard do his job, goodness no, mustn't bother him about that! We should all be doing it _for_ him. By the stars lad, what is it that you've been doing in here?"

Toadsworth turned before Toad could answer and saw the paper on his desk. A cold shock fell down Toad's spine as he realized he had forgotten to put his fanfiction away. Toad had heard what people thought about those who wrote fanfiction. Everyone in the Mushroom Kingdom knew that fanfiction was **LAME** and that it was only written by **LAME NERDS**. If it got out that he wrote fanfiction his reputation as a totally cool guy would be ruined. People would think that he was a **NEEEEEEEEEERD****!**

"Toadsworth, NO!"

But it was futile, the old toad had already picked it up.

Toadsworth adjusted his tiny spectacles and looked at the story. "Let's see here, '_He could feel the hole sucking on him and he couldn't hold himself back any more. He released! Meanwhile Princess Lana was turning around in bed. She was struggling to hold back a powerful force that she could not see. She could feel it choking her and tearing her apart from the inside . . ._'" Toadsworth trailed off at that line.

"It isn't what you think it is!" yelled Toad.

"My word Toad!" screamed Toadsworth."What is this . . . this . . . filth?"

"I can explain! Honest!"

"I can't believe this! I never would have expected you to be someone who reads such . . . _adult romantic literature!_ Dickering about in your room indeed! Hmph!"

"No! I - wait, what?"

"Don't try to deny it now, lines like that are clearly out of a very . . . adult story. I don't need to read the rest to know what it is you've been spending your time doing in here. Really, Toad, you should be ashamed. And in such a time of crisis, even."

"Wait, you think that story is about- You think that I was-_NO!_ No no no no no!" Toad wasn't sure which would be more embarrassing, telling Toadsworth he had been writing fanfiction or letting him think he'd been reading . . . that kind of stuff. Which would do more damage to his rep? "Hold on, did you say crisis?"

The frustration on Toadsworth's face was replaced with surprise. "You haven't heard? Master Mario is dead, and our princess is dying."


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**-or-  
><strong>

**Chapter 3**

**Because the stupid prologue is still messing up the chapter numbers  
><strong>

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><p>Link walked through the twilit woods with a slouch uncharacteristic of a hero. The dirt path between Ordon Village and his home was a narrow one just big enough for two broad-shouldered men to stand abreast, though you could probably fit a third lanky guy in there if you really tried.<p>

Trees surrounded the path on either side. The ones closest to the trail were skinny tall things, and not close together. The further out you got, however, the thicker the trees became in both number and size. A few feet from the path was all it took before the wooden pillars became a cage far too dense to move through. All of Ordon Village was surrounded by such a thick wood, serving to keep the beaten track the only practical way in or out of the town. This benefited the village by making it much easier to keep out unwanted wild animals and homeless people.

The smaller trees were bare now, their orange leaves dutifully raked off the path (by Link, at the town's request). The larger trees kept most of their leaves even through winter, though this winter seemed to have started early. Most winters saw no snow in the southern side of Hyrule, but that day in Ordon the temperature had dropped noticeably, and a light snowfall had begun.

Luckily Link had the comfortably warm Hero's Clothes to keep him comfortably warm. The luxury of comfort was lost on him as he dragged his boots across the ground, disrupting the trail's pattern of foot and hoofprints and leaving a pair of dark lines in the dust.

Helping people all day had managed to be both tedious and tiring, and he still had a splitting headache from when he rolled into that rock. The worst part of the day had been when a local shop owner had lost her cat for the millionth time, and Link was put through an embarrassing episode when he chased it up a tree barking at it. He had spent the whole day helping people out with their chores, and it was far too late now for any decent adventuring to be had. He might have had time if his horse had been with him, but halfway through the day BUTTOCKS had run out of town to trot around Hyrule Field. Link could understand his horse's thirst for adventure, but did not appreciate being left behind to walk his way through town, chores taking considerably longer.

The only interesting part of the day had been when Ilia's father had told Link about the unusual customer who had been by the ranch that morning. He had been asking with a strange accent about princesses and castles and other odd questions that people usually didn't ask in Ordon, being as far away from Castle Town as it was. But what had made this customer extremely unusual was the currency he provided upon buying a horse. He had simply given over a handful of gold coins, and then asked if it would be enough.

"It was a lot more than enough." Ilia's father had said when he showed Link the take. "Not that I told him that." The coins were gigantic, nearly as big around as a man's head. A strange symbol that Link did not recognize had been emblazoned on either side of each coin; what appeared to be a large spotted mushroom with beady eyes.

Link was taken from his brooding when he arrived at the small clearing outside his tree/house and saw a cloaked figure on a horse beneath its branches.

The rider rode on a pitch white horse. She was a girl, by the look of her build. The rider I mean, not the horse (though the horse was quite feminine by horse standards). Everything but the woman's chin was shrouded by the dark gray cloak she wore, but there was something very familiar about that chin.

Link approached her, ready to brandish the Ordonian Sword he wore on his back at the first sign of trouble.

She rode to him.

"Link!" the woman called.

It was by her voice that Link recognized who she was. He immediately bent down to kneel before Princess Zelda.

"Thank you, but your courtesies aren't necessary." she said. "Zelda isn't here right now."

Confused, Link looked up at the woman on the horse.

A pair of bright red eyes looked back at him.

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><p>Pleasant Path was an aptly named place. It was a simple dirt road lined with trees, bushes, flowers and seemingly endless fields of grass. Curved mountains stood tall in the distance, covered by lush greenery. It was almost always sunny, yet there was always a tree close enough to provide adequate shade when you needed a break from the heat. Rabbits and butterflies and colorful singing birds were the only residents, though if the fauna wasn't company enough there would usually be some friendly folk from the nearby Toad Town who were out on a stroll and eager to chat.<p>

As Luigi made his mad dash to Toad Town, Pleasant Path managed to spectacularly fail at living up to its name. The rain was pouring down hard, far too heavy for any tree to provide cover. His plan was to keep running until he found a safe dry place to hide. After a few hours of crying he would try to recuperate and figure out what had just happened. Fear, adrenaline and a small feeling close to determination coursed through him as he ran tumbling forward in the dark.

When he finally reached Toad Town's main gate he collapsed against one of its concrete support beams. Toad Town Gate was hardly an actual gate at all, as it had no door. It was four white stone pillars holding up a curved red-tiled roof with 'Toad Town' written on a golden plaque.

All of Toad Town looked as if it had been designed by a child using nothing but colorful building blocks. Oh, the houses were made of normal materials like wood and plaster and everything else that goes into a house. But the shapes and colors were all quite playful. A mass of brightly colored squares, triangles and cylinders spread onward for as far as the eye could see. The capital of the Mushroom Kingdom had been designed with twisting streets linking houses and stores that were packed tightly together like a citywide suburb. Unlike most suburbs, there were no two houses that looked the same. Like most suburbs, the layout was labyrinthine.

Luigi stumbled down the middle of the brick road that led from Toad Town Gate to the entrance of Peach's Castle. He was moving much more slowly now, fatigued but still desperately trying to get help. He could have just knocked on any random toad's door and they would have been happy to help him, but they would be sleeping at this hour and Luigi felt like it would be rude to wake them.

Peach's Castle stood in the center of Toad Town. It was surrounded by a moat, a massive garden on all sides, and a tall concrete wall that separated the Castle Grounds from the rest of Toad Town. Luigi arrived at the curtain wall and looked up at the large double doors that would open into the Castle Courtyard. They were a good thirty feet tall, and made of metal four feet thick. A coat of blue had been painted over them, and half of a massive golden star bolted onto each door.

"Hello?" Luigi called to the toads he knew were on the other side. "I need to get into the castle! It's-a me, Luigi! Mario's brother!"

No answer. As usual, the guards with the night shift had fallen asleep. Luigi leaned against one of the giant doors and almost attempted to open it before giving up. He slid to the ground with his back against the blue metal and sighed. He had escaped that crazy mask guy and ran all the way to the gates of Peach's Castle, and now he couldn't even get in.

Luigi was about ready to cry when he took notice of a nearby house. The perimeter of the building was perfectly round, its floors a single story plus an attic, with a roof that curved upward like an upside-down ice-cream cone. The house was painted blue. Not some kind of navy blue or sky blue or periwinkle blue, it was blue blue. Tiny lights shaped like stars dotted the sides of the structure, accompanied only by a single wooden door. This building was well known in Toad Town for being home to the shaman Merlon, a fortuneteller who could tell you your future for a small fee. Cash only.

Luigi figured it was as good a way as any to figure out what to do next. He walked up to the house and raised his fist. Before he could knock on the door it swung open and hit him in the face, knocking him onto his butt.

Merlon stood above him in the doorway. The shaman was covered by layers of blue robes and hoods. His face was kept hidden by a spell, every feature but his glowing gold eyes and overflowing mustache covered in shadow.

"Aha!" went the shaman, "Mario, there you are! I've been waiting for you. You should have gotten here sooner, I was about to go looking for you."

Merlon offered his blue-gloved hand and started helping Luigi to his feet, but let go of him half way up, letting Luigi fall again.

"Luigi!? What are you doing here? Curse this darkness, I thought you were your brother." Merlon walked out of the doorway and began looking around, not bothered by the rain. "Is Mario here? I was sure he would be the one to come and see me."

"No." said Luigi. "It's just me. Mario exploded."

The shaman turned to him, his glowing eyes wide and yellow against his shadow face. Merlon ran to Luigi, grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, and dragged him inside the house.

Before Luigi could say or do anything Merlon shoved him into a blue wooden chair. A floating blue tablecloth was in front of him, though there was no table beneath it (it's magic, just role with it). A dark crystal ball sat on top of the levitating cloth. Blue carpets and blue curtains adorned every inch of the inside of Merlon's house. Merlon was trying to use the color as part of his business's branding, you see. Merlon stood on the other side of the cloth.

Merlon snapped his fingers and Luigi heard the door slam behind him.

"Now," Merlon said in a low whisper, "tell me everything that happened. Leave nothing out."

"Mario exploded." said Luigi.

"Yes, you told me that part."

"Sorry I just . . . I just-" and then Luigi broke down crying. Tears streamed down his face like sad salty waterfalls.

"Oh stop your blubbering."

"But- but Mario- Mario is dead!"

"If this is what I think it is then Mario should be fine."

Luigi's bawling simmered down to a gentle sob. "R-Really?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, just fine. Possibly trapped in a different universe, that's all." said Merlon.

"Oh."

"Now continue. Include everything you experienced today that was out of the ordinary."

"Well, me and Mario-"

"Mario and I."

"Mario and I had an adventure today where we saved Peach from Bowser. It was late when-"

"I said out of the ordinary, you do that all the time."

You will not be reading most of the conversation between Merlon and Luigi. One reason is because Merlon is a very bad listener and interrupted Luigi quite often, making the telling of Luigi's tale take quite a long time. Another reason is because you have already read about the actual events in the story yourself, except for the part about how after running out of his house Luigi bumped into what he would describe as 'a spooky mask guy with a creepy smile' who told Luigi he would 'meet with a terrible fate'. You then went on to not read about how the 'spooky mask guy' apologized for the aforementioned terrible fate and vanished. But now you have read about these things so there is no reason to show you Luigi talking about them.

"So the mask man just disappeared?" asked Merlon. "Just . . . _poof?_ Gone?"

"There wasn't even a poof." answered Luigi. "He was there, and then he was gone. I thought he was a ghost so I high tailed it out of there and came to Toad Town to get help."

"No poof?"

"No poof."

"Troubling. Wait one moment, I need to find something."

Luigi looked briefly at the dark crystal ball as Merlon rummaged around. He had remembered it being clear, but now it was pitch black.

"Aha!" went Merlon. "Now I remember where I put it!"

Merlon waved his hand and a blue piece of paper appeared out of thin air. He began talking to it, blue letters forming on the parchment as he did.

"This letter is from Merlon. Mario has left this world. Gone to investigate. Be wary of transparency; moving to another world will follow."

When he was done the paper folded itself into a plane and hovered by the door.

"Come Luigi, there isn't a moment to lose!" said Merlon. He opened the door and the paper plane flew out the house and towards the castle.

Luigi followed Merlon outside.

* * *

><p>This is a comedy, and despite being a dark comedy, a brutal murder scene simply would not fit the tone of the story. This is why I have replaced the following passage, which was originally a brutal murder scene, with a friendly murder scene instead.<p>

Ilia felt something like a [CHOCOLATE] pierce into her [RAINBOW]. It went deep into her and stuck between her [SUNSHINE]. She was lurched backwards and [GINGERLY PLACED UPON] the ground hard.

She saw the black silhouette of Link standing twenty feet away, his eyes glowing red in the dark. He was holding something that was connected to the [BUNNIES] in her [BUBBLEGUM] by a chain. A slow, rhythmic clinking emanated from the hookshot as it consumed the chain, dragging Ilia closer. Every clink [AMIABLY NUDGED] her flailing body across the rough dirt and over sharp [MARSHMALLOWS]. She tried to struggle and get away, to just stand up and run [NEVER RUN WHILE HOLDING SCISSORS, READER]. But all she could do was cry and flail as she was [REMEMBERING TO BRUSH TWICE A DAY]. She dug her fingers into the dirt, but only left little trails of dark red [FINGERPAINT] behind her. She could feel the metal [BUTTERFLY] inside pushing against her back, struggling to [COLOR OUTSIDE THE LINES]. The [TOOTHACHES] was [HARD TO SEE]. She didn't know where she was or what was happening anymore, all she knew was the [TOOTHACHES] that surged through her body every time the [RAINBOW] inside [GAVE HER RIBS A HUG] a little bit more.

In her [NEIGHBORLY] stupor she [USED HER OUTDOORS VOICE] for Link. The real Link would save her.

The clinking noise stopped. Ilia's body lay on the ground. The only movements were her ragged breathing and the twitching in her legs and remaining arm as she tried to push herself up [BELIEVE YOU CAN ACHIEVE].

She saw him standing beside her and tried to [USE HER OUTSIDE VOICE] for Link again. In her [HAPPY] state she could only release a raspy [INSIDE VOICE].

He raised his [LOVELY FLOWER] above her head and swung.

The last thing Ilia saw was Link's bright red eyes, and then she was [JUST SLEEPING, KIDS].


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**Which is labeled as Chapter 4  
><strong>

**These chapters will never be numbered correctly  
><strong>

**My fanfiction is ruined**

* * *

><p>Zelda woke with a start. Another nightmare. She had lost count of how many nights in a row she had had them, but she was probably close to a new record.<p>

She had tried researching the symbols in her dreams, hoping to reveal the significance they carried in her psyche. She had tried meditation and inward reflection. She had tried prayer, and still the answers eluded her. She supposed the gods knew the best course of action was not to help, and have her figure things out on her own, to strengthen her. Having come to this understanding, she was very grateful for their lack of help, and was certain that in some way it was helping her.

Zelda remembered as she tiredly got out of bed that a thousand years ago her ancestor, another princess named Zelda, had had foreboding dreams.

Zelda remembered as she stumbled tiredly across her tidy room, so plain and undecorated a chamber for a princess, that they had been dreams of prophecy.

Zelda remembered that if the Zelda of that era had not interpreted her dreams correctly, the kingdom of Hyrule would have fallen into evil's groping, clammy clutches.

The tall, brunette princess stood in front of her mirror, and remembered that her ancestor had been blonde.

Then Zelda noticed the irises in her reflection were bright red.

Her reflection said "Don't panic."

Zelda panicked. She instinctively tried to turn away, but instead leaned toward the mirror and watched her reflection lean toward her and say "Don't try to run away."

Zelda felt her jaw move as the words were said, felt her chest press and decompress as she spoke.

"That's because you're the one talking." Her reflection said. "And I'm not your reflection. I'm in your mind, controlling your body and talking through you. I can also just think to you, but if I introduced myself like that you wouldn't be sure I really existed. There's no need to worry, I'm going to answer all of your questions." The reflection paused, "But first I should introduce myself."

Zelda felt her body take a deep breath and felt a certain anxiety. Not the kind of anxiety you feel when you think you're going insane, which is what Zelda would have expected given the circumstances, but the kind of anxiety you feel when you're about to make a great confession. But then her fear of insanity returned and she felt both anxieties at once, and it was horrible.

"This is going to be a lot to take in and I have a lot to tell you, but we don't have a lot of time so we're going to have to rush." She paused again, letting herself prepare herself for what she was about to hear and say. "My name is Princess Zelda, but you may call me Sheik."

Zelda recalled the Sheik she had read so much about, the alter ego her ancestor had taken on to save Hyrule when Ganondorf, the Prince of Thieves, had conquered her kingdom. With Sheik's aid, the legendary Hero of Time ripped Ganon out of the world and turned back time seven years, to before Ganon's rule had even begun. Seven years torn out of history, with no proof but the stories told by the Hero of Time and the then Princess Zelda. The tales of those two children were enough to sentence Ganondorf to execution. Hyrule had a weird legal system back then.

"Yes, that's the Sheik I am. Was. You've been very good about studying history. That makes this introduction a lot easier. A few of your relatives knew very little about me when I introduced myself, and if you think it's scary having someone you already know in your head, well, having a stranger is really something else."

Zelda furrowed her brow in confused worry.

"Right, sorry, I forgot to mention that part. So stupid of me!" Zelda smacked her forehead. "And I really should have made you sit down before I started saying anything. I swear I seem to get worse at this every time. I rehearsed all of this in our head so many times, too. It's just, well, you haven't been sleeping well the past few nights, and I'm very tired. Now where was I... Ah, right! As you know, all those centuries ago the Hero of Time saved our kingdom from ever falling under Ganon's power. But that other Hyrule, the one that Ganon conquered, didn't completely disappear. I had visions of it. For seven years I had dreams of my other life, and of the chaos that I failed to save Hyrule from. To prevent such a disaster from ever befalling my kingdom again, I cast a powerful spell upon myself. It cost me my life, and departed my soul into the body of my firstborn daughter."

Zelda wondered why she didn't say 'unto my firstborn daughter,' to make the tale sound more grand.

"Zelda, who cares? I was hidden in the back of my daughter's mind, trapped in silence as a side effect of the spell. When her affinity with magic had grown strong enough, I was able to make myself known to her. Then, on the day of the birth of my first granddaughter, I was passed on to her body and mind. We too met once her magical prowess was proficient. The cycle has continued, and I have lived every generation between mine and yours, and seen the birth and death of every child between. For the safety of Hyrule, I use knowledge gathered over lifetimes to advise each new heir to the throne. When necessary, I have taken control of my descendents to protect Hyrule. Now I must tell you this: Hyrule faces great peril. I have seen your dreams and we face an unprecedented scope. Against it, I have no answers. But I know where to find some."

Zelda saw her twist her arms before the mirror and winced as a bright blue light surrounded her. When she opened her eyes her clothes had changed. Out of her nightgown, she now stood covered by a stitched blue body suit. White cloth was tightly bound around parts of her arms and legs, while another set of wrappings was worn tightly around her chest and made it difficult to breathe. "It's good to keep your breasts taped down." She said, her voice raspier than it had been before. "It makes you more aerodynamic." The same type of white cloth covered the lower half of her face and was wrapped tightly around the top of her head. All that was visible of her body was a bright red eye and the now tan skin between it and her nose, the rest of her face hidden behind blonde bangs. Her long hair had been knotted into a ponytail down her back.

Amidst all this confusion, Zelda wondered if the other person inside her had really been there her entire life.

"Yes, I have."

Zelda wondered if this other had been able to read her thoughts her entire life.

"Yes, I have."

Zelda felt very uncomfortable about this, but rationalized that all of her previous ancestors must have had private moments that were as strange and as compromising as her own. Yes, she was certain everything she was ashamed of was actually quite normal.

"No, you're pretty weird."

She felt herself walk over to the window, open it, and lean far outside.

Sheik turned her eyes down and Zelda saw the great distance between her and the ground below. Far beneath her was her favorite garden, surrounded on all sides by tall walls, which were surrounded on all sides by taller walls. She felt her arms push up against the window frame and tense up, ready to push off.

"I can tell you more as we work, but we really need to get going."

Sheik leapt out the bedroom window and Zelda, instinctively, tried to scream.

* * *

><p>Merlon was quite irate about having to wait outside in the cold while Luigi tidied up the house, something he insisted on doing before he could let Merlon inside (though he had really just wanted to change out of his pee stained clothes before Merlon could notice them. To be consistent with his lie, Luigi did clean the house after changing).<p>

Before we continue, perhaps now would be a good time to tell you more about Merlon and the shamans (which is in fact the correct plural form of shaman) who live throughout the Mushroom Kingdom and beyond. Their origins are not known to any but themselves, and nobody has ever seen a shaman's face due to the permanent shadow they are hidden under. Because of this, ornamental facial hair was a popular way for shamans to distinguish themselves, as facial hair that was long enough would grow out of the shadow's reach. Shawomans generally preferred growing out the hair on top of their head.

Two traits universal among shamans and shawomans were their glowing yellow eyes and tendency to dress in full body robes. Culture was very important to the shaman tribe, and was weaved inextricably into their magical abilities. Fortune telling, charms and spellcasting were the trades by which shamans made a living. Simple spells could be cast without a word, and shamans of exceptional talent could silently cast higher level spells. However, verbally speaking a spell's name as it was cast would make it noticeably more powerful, especially if there was emotion in the way it was said. This modifier can be taken further by incorporating the spell into a rhyme, a method by which one could link various spells together. Shamans would practice these Reiterations of Amplifying Power, or RAP, in order to improve their magical abilities, and could repeat the lines they came up with to aid them whenever necessary. RAP was considered the third highest of all arts among the shaman tribe.

The highest art was fanfiction. And as Merlon waited outside in the cold, fanfiction was what he thought of. The agonizing wait to be let inside the house and out of the rain reminded him of waiting for a fanfiction to update. That terrible anxiety as you wait for the next chapter to unfold, always worried about the possibility of a permanent hiatus. Then, finally, after months or even years an update would come. The author would apologize for the wait and say that they'll update more frequently from now on, but you don't believe them. You've been hurt too many times.

Luigi finally opened the door.

"Okay, it's ready now."

Merlon entered the house and the pair walked into the Mario Bros.' bedroom. Luigi yawned and sat on the bottom bed as Merlon wandered around the room with his arm raised, feeling the air for any residual magic. He felt a strong pull coming from the bottom bunk.

"Luigi, please get off the bed."

Luigi got up and walked over to the other side of the room, yawning again.

Merlon no longer felt magic emanating from the mattress's direction. He turned, and felt a strong pull coming from Luigi. The lean, greenly dressed plumber was leaning against a wall with his eyes closed. Luigi slid against the wall and down to the floor as he started to snore.

Then he flickered in and out of transparency.

* * *

><p>Link woke in his bed, which was in a house, which was in a tree. The young man yawned and stretched his arms, still tired from his previous adventure. He had done such a good job ridding Hyrule of threats that he had gained a notable reputation, and it wasn't uncommon for the rulers of other planes of existence to tear a hole in space and time and summon him to save their world. He had just yesterday returned from one of these adventures, having successfully saved the otherwordly kingdom of Byrule from the clutches of Canondorf the Crime King. The task was too great for any of that world's heroes, but Link was made of more heroic stuff. Heroic of Time stuff, or HOT stuff, as he often referred to himself. It had been the usual humdrum adventure, an evil overlord to vanquish, dungeons to be plunged, maidens to be saved and giant monsters (and an evil doppleganger) to be slain.<p>

The Hero of Time got out of bed and began to get dressed. He pulled his white leggings tightly up his strong, muscular legs (calm down ladies) and put on his green tunic. Lesser men would be afraid of wearing clothing that looked so much like a skirt, but Link knew he looked manly in it. He could always tell Zelda liked seeing him wear it (she actually liked it because it made her feel manly but that's not important yet). Then he fastened his belt, put on his boots and placed a pointy green hat on top of his head.

He had dressed this way since he was a child. Why mess with perfection?

He stepped out the door and looked over his home village, Kokiri Forest. The small town was filled with forest spirits called Kokiri, who all had the bodies of children. These immortal sprites stopped growing at the age of ten, and so long as they never left the forest, would stay that way forever. Link was not Kokiri himself, but had been adopted and raised by them. As he walked through the forest he waved hello to a few of his old friends, who were recovering from the night before, having thrown a huge party to celebrate Link's return. Some would frown upon drinking with children, but the age of consent for various activities among Kokiri is a really weird and uncomfortable discussion so we wont get into that.

Ever.

After crossing the wooden bridge that connected Kokiri Forest to the rest of the world, The Bridgecrosser (another of Link's many titles) couldn't help but pause and take in the beauty of Hyrule Field. Small hills rose and fell like waves across the infinite green horizon. Patches of tall grass and secret underground caves were scattered across the land, all filled with money and treasure ripe for the picking. This is because Link filled the caves with amazing weapons and powerful magical items after every adventure. To bring the tools he gathered on one adventure into the next would make things far too easy, so he hid them in places where future adventurers might find them.

The downside was that Link had hunted all of the kingdom's natural monsters to extinction. He could remember a simpler time, a better time, when monstrous flying plants with giant metal blades sticking out of them would chase you around, or a mob of undead skeleton children would rise from the ground and swarm over you, but that time had passed. He had even slain all of the Wolfos, vicious zombie dogs that had once prowled Hyrule in wild packs. He had tried taunting some domesticated dogs into attacking him, but it just wasn't the same.

His horse Epona (Link had not been the one to name her) would be out here somewhere. The Slayer of Dogs pulled out the Ocarina of Time, one of the few items he carried from one adventure to the next. He played Epona's favorite song to summon her.

Epona did not come.

That was odd, but The One-Man Ocarina Orchestra supposed she may have been out of range. Perhaps she was at Lonlon Ranch. She often stayed there with her original owner, the ranchowner's daughter Malon, when she wasn't running around Hyrule Field.

Link brought the Ocarina to his lips a second time and began to play The Prelude of Light, a magical song which, when played from a magical ocarina, would magically warp him to another location. The Great Greenskirt did not finish the song, stopping when he saw a group of riders heading towards him from the north. Link walked casually toward them, hoping they were a group of thieves looking to prey on a lone traveler. His hopes for a heroic battle were dashed as the group rode closer. He could see they were just a squadron of knights, albeit a very large one. They had likely been sent to welcome him home.

Link waited for the group to approach. Truthfully he didn't care much for Hyrule's soldiers. What kind of cowards ride into battle wearing armor? Did they actually expect to get hit? Real men wore skirts.

The armored group approached him, and then split in two, each half moving toward him on a different side. They surrounded him, keeping a safe distance as they did.

"Give it up!" shouted one of them as they all raised their spears and began to slowly close in.

"Lay down your weapons and we won't harm you!" shouted another. "You have been ordered to attend trial by Princess Zelda!"

Trials were a bold new innovation that Zelda had introduced to Hyrule's legal system. She insisted it was better than just executing the accused.

Link of course thought this situation was laughable, he could fight them all off with a stick if he wanted to (and he did sometimes fight foes with a big stick instead of a sword, for the additional challenge). He complied with their orders anyway. The knights were likely under a wizard's spell again. They'd arrest him, take him to their boss's lair, and then Link would bust out, kill the badguy and save the day. Same old, same old. Link wondered how long it would be before he'd fight a villain who actually did something new.

He put down his sword and shield and held his wrists out to be cuffed. Even if they all charged him now, Link knew he could take them.

They did not charge him, at least not literally. But they did charge him with the murders of the king, a large number of knights, an even larger amount of citizens, and for setting Hyrule Castle Town, Kakariko Village and Lonlon Ranch on fire.


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**Which is labeled as Chapter 5**

**Never write a fanfiction with a prologue  
><strong>

* * *

><p>A tall, wide chamber of marble walls, covered in pink.<p>

A diamond-encrusted chandelier over a princess's queen-size bed.

Around the bed, a circle of mushroom guards, dressed in white robes, gripping little spears, facing outward.

Fluffy pink furniture everywhere.

Toad and Toadsworth entered Princess Peach's chamber.

"Sirs." saluted one of the toad guards.

"At ease." said Toadsworth. "Make way and let us see the princess."

The guards encircling the bed parted. Toad and Toadsworth entered the perimeter.

"Where is the princess?" asked Toad.

"She's not on the bed?" one of the guards asked as he turned around. There was a long pause as everyone realized the guards had been facing outward, vigilant for incoming threats but not actually watching the princess.

"She was just here!" yelled another guard.

"You lost her already!?" Toadsworth yelled.

Toad carefully inspected the bed as Toadsworth swatted guards on the head with his cane. They couldn't fight back because he was old.

"Guys, the princess is still here!" yelled Toad. "She's just really hard to see!"

Toadsworth and the guards circled the bed. They could just barely make out the princess's flickering image sleeping upon the mattress.

"By our lucky stars, so she is!" Toadsworth went to put his hand assuredly on her shoulder. The moment he touched her, her form wavered and puffed into a cloud of tiny pink particles. They vanished a second later, and nothing of the princess was left.

A moment passed.

"Gads!" Toadsworth screamed as he collapsed to the floor. "I've killed the princess! How? Why?!"

The toad guards began to panic and ran around screaming at each other to do something.

The toad named Toad looked incredulously at the bed.

"Toadsworth!" yelled Toad, loud enough to be heard over the others. "Didn't the princess have a 1-Up Mushroom for dinner just before she went to bed?"

"Why...yes, she...yes she did!"

"Well, if she was dead, she'd be reappearing right now. But she's not, and that means she's somewhere else. That letter you got from Merlon, the one that said she'd be leaving our world? I don't think it meant-"

"Of course!" yelled Toadsworth. "When Merlon wrote that she'd leave our world I naturally assumed the worst! What a relief this is! Our precious princess has probably just been kidnapped again, and taken to another existence or some such silly nonsense! Oh, what a relief." Toadsworth paused to wipe his glasses. "Wait, what am I saying? The princess has been kidnapped! This is a disaster! Sound the alarms!"

* * *

><p>The Hero of Time had done many things in his life.<p>

All the horrible monsters he'd defeated, all the puzzles solved, all the dungeons plunged and obstacles overcome did not prepare Link for what he would face in that crowded courtroom. He looked from his seat before the judge and saw the defense attorney who had been assigned to him, and he finally felt it.

True fear.

"Mr. Fairy!" yelled the little man, dressed up in his tight green bodysuit. "It's so good to see you again!"

This was the man whose actions would determine whether Link was to live or die.

"It's been so long since Tingle has been able to play with you!" yelled the attorney in third-person. "But don't worry, after Tingle defends you in court today we'll have all the time in the world to play together! Just the two of us, for hours and hours! And Tingle wont let you get away this time, not until you turn Tingle into a real fairy!"

Link did not have the power to turn Tingle into a fairy. He had explained this to the little man multiple times, but Tingle really wanted to be a fairy.

Link asked about what other defense attorneys were available, but was told that every one of them but Tingle had been killed in the very slaughter he was accused of.

"You sure are lucky Tingle was the one who survived, Mr. Fairy! And to think I just got my license yesterday! One day of difference and I wouldn't be beside you right now! How fortunate you are to have that special fairy luck on your side! Tingle thinks he has it too, he just kept guessing on most of the tests he took in training, but somehow just barely managed to pass! You sure are lucky to have such a lucky attorney, Mr. Fairy! Now, I'm sure you're worried about all the people you've been accused of killing and how this trial will go, but don't worry, Tingle knows what will cheer you up!" Tingle jumped up on the desk in front of Link and began to dance. He sang "Tingle! Tingle! Koloo-Limpah!" and threw a wad of confetti in Link's face.

Link hated Tingle so much.


End file.
